Saturday, March 17, 2012

the journey.

A carefree afternoon in Virginia, Fall 2011

"Life is about the journey." How often do we hear that? As I look back on my blog over the last year or so, I realize how much personality has disappeared. Does this mean my journey is over? Did I reach some sort of "end point"?

I could blame it on time or location or mindset, and while it's a steady combination of all three, I think I still remain insecure about my writing in general. And knowing that other people will be reading it and judging it--well, that's enough to stop from hitting that publish button.

But being candid is more important as a writer than I think many imagine it is. We go through every day being edited and holding back so we're not in danger of editorializing too much or being subjective when objectivity is key. But when it comes to topics like my love of the Kings or talking about being Chinese-American, it isn't bad to be opinionated and honest. It isn't like I don't like writing about my feelings; I think I'm just more used to holding back.

But I've been telling myself I need to keep writing and keep writing more--whatever it is about, whether anyone wants to read or not.

Finally picked up that diploma!
So--about that "journey." I was thinking about how much my life has changed in the last year since I hung up my status as a student for good. To go from being surrounded by people you know and who know you and "get" you, to moving back home and feeling alone, to moving across the country and being even more alone, to finding people you mesh with in an amazing way, and then having to leave them too...it's scary. It's a rollercoaster. It's exhausting.

The one thing I've gathered in my time out of the Irvine bubble is that it's important to be happy and comfortable with being yourself and being alone. I thought that my life was going to be dismal without the midnight drives and kicking sand up beneath the moon, and while it was painful to not have those opportunities anymore, I know that missing people and missing college aren't worth shedding tears over. We'll find new memories and hopefully grow together, even if we are apart.

That having been said, life isn't always a party for me now, but I'm okay with that. After blowing too much money while on an intern salary, it's nice to have some time to calm down and get my bearings straight. I'm almost about to be debt free (maybe) and I'm focusing on figuring out what I want to do and who I want to be.

So here's to writing more without fear or hesitation, and also because I told Kristen to force me to write and she's really good at mothering me.

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