Saturday, May 30, 2015

two-way streets.

I've always hoped to be the kind of person who lived with her whole heart. But I think the natural part of ourselves that keeps even the smallest area of our hearts guarded is hard to overcome, no matter how whole we may sometimes feel. 

Lately, living with my whole heart lately seems to also mean living with a lot of rejection. It means reaching out into the darkness and hoping the person you're reaching out for still wants to make the effort to meet you halfway. And while there are some people who will take the time to follow up, there are often others who wait for you to reach out all the time. For me, it's the latter that I find myself hung up on too often. 

Friday, May 29, 2015

'good little Asian girls.'

It was recently told to me that "good little Asian girls" never rebel. That "good little Asian girls" are happy doing what their parents tell them, and that there's nothing wrong with that because that's just how they are.

That's just how, the speaker assumed, I am.

"That's an offensive stereotype," I protested, but was silenced by the man's reassurance that it was a stereotype for a reason. And, he emphasized, there's nothing wrong with it if that's what makes "good little Asian girls" happy.

I had to pause and ask myself if I should be offended by the ignorant assertion thrown at me. Perhaps this guy just misspoke, or he didn't mean exactly what he said.

And then I stopped myself from stopping myself from being offended and just let the anger bubble up. Why should I make excuses for others' casual racism? Why do I need to command myself to not be offended when I felt uncomfortable? Why should I let someone tell me how to feel about a label that's been placed on me?

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

fill-in-the-blank (non) friday: lasts.

This is an old "Fill-in-the-Blank Friday" I've done before that isn't even happening on a Friday, but I'm watching David Letterman's last Late Show, and it feels fitting to blog a bit about "lasts"...
  1. The last thing I ate was  chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. 
  2. The last time I went to the beach was' s been awhile. Last time I filled this out, I had said it'd been over a year ago, and I don't think I've been to the beach since. 
  3. My last vacation was  February. I went back to California for Lunar New Year. 
  4. The last place I drove was  somewhere in Sacramento, when I was still living there. That's also an answer that hasn't changed since the last time I filled this out! 
  5. The last song I listened to was  Miley Cyrus and Ariana Grande's cover of "Don't Dream It's Over". It's addictive. 
  6. The last thing I watched on TV was  I'm watching the Letterman finale now! 
  7. The last time I said "I love you" was  eight hours ago via text message. 

Sunday, May 17, 2015

'do small things. on repeat.'

I wore yellow yesterday because I thought it would make me happier. But when the lights in the movie theater went down, it just made me sad. You can't see yellow in the dark--but you can't see much in the dark, anyways.

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

what would you do if you weren't afraid?

I used to think I was the kind of person who would literally remove selected memories if she could. There were always moments attached to broken relationships, whether they were good or bad ones, that I found myself wishing I could forget. It was a reminder, in the moment, of how easy it was to tie your happiness to another person, and how easily that happiness could be taken away. Every heartbreak, every rejection is just another dent in your armor. 

There's a fear that I think is common among people: it's the fear of vulnerability, of lowering your shield for a moment to let new possibilities step close enough to touch you. It's safer to keep your guard up, but one day you'll get tired from pushing against the door someone else might be trying to open. I should know, I've done it all my life: pushed person after experience after risk away because it was easier to shut down. 

Recently, my friend Geneva posed this question on her blog that I've thought of often, but never had an answer for--until now: "What would you do if you weren't afraid?"

To answer that, I'd have to definitively tell you what I'm afraid of, though none of those fears would result in the action the question is intended to produce (spiders, serial-killer clowns, etc.). But the other fears--the ones I don't often articulate because even saying it aloud scares me--are the important ones in this context to reflect on: I'm scared of being forgotten; of never having made a difference to anyone, anywhere; of never living as authentically as we were all intended to.

What would I do if I weren't afraid? There's an Amy Poehler quote that speaks exactly the truth of my answer: "Continue to share your heart with people even if it's been broken." 

Saturday, May 2, 2015

leftovers: April.

I didn't even realize April was over until I was encoding videos yesterday at work and realized April 31st wasn't an actual thing.

Happy May! One of the best things about April was that the weather was clearly changing and we had our first truly "nice" days of the year. I love when the seasons change because it feels like an opportunity for renewal. I'm really trying to make an effort to commit to things in 2015, and the first thing I'm committing to this year? Rebuilding my life.

Anyways, onto the blog post! April, photo wise, was a bit of a "sharing month," so I don't have too many leftovers to include in this entry...