Thursday, July 21, 2011

live deep.

"It is a fabulous place: when the tide is in, a
wave-churned basin, creamy 
with foam, whipped
by the combers 
that roll in from the whistling
buoy 
on the reef. But when the tide goes out
the little water world becomes 
quiet and
lovely." -Cannery Row
John Steinbeck
(Above photo taken July 19 in Monterey)
Living is about transition periods, about allowing ourselves to move--whether it be physically, from location to location, or figuratively, from state of mind to state of mind. I suppose I've gotten used to moving, what with the yearly apartment changes while in college. What I haven't gotten used to, however, is that feeling of uncertainty and anxiety that comes with the unknown. It's both exciting and terrifying: I will either fail or succeed--and I've definitely done my share of both.

In less than two weeks, I will leave California, the only state I've ever called home. It feels surreal. This is what I wanted though, right? It's what I talked about wanting to do for years: move to the east coast and pursue the career I never thought I would have, the career I'd given up on months ago and only just re-embraced. It feels too new still, too fresh and unsteady. But this is what I've said I wanted to do, and here it is--finally happening! And I am genuinely shocked.

The idea of starting a new life away from everyone I know makes my heart race and my muscles tense. The numerous "what ifs" keep me awake at night, and though I know the "what if" game is pointless and dumb, I can't help but stare at the ceiling in the dark and wonder all of these things. This move feels like college again but, this time, everything is bigger and if I fall flat on my face, it will be even grander and more spectacular than I've ever experienced.

I'm confident though that things will work out. After all, it took nearly three years in Irvine for things to "work out." I just have to have patience.

A lot of people I know are entering new stages of their lives as well: new places, new families, new careers. We are all transitioning. I won't be alone, despite the miles of distance that separate us all.

This entry is more "dear diary"-like than I'm used to, so forgive me. But grow with me, folks. We've got a lot of living to do.

2 comments:

  1. I totally know how you're feeling right now Trai. I'm supposed to be moving to Chi-town in a week, but I don't have an apartment for sure. It's maddening not knowing where I'm supposed to be living!
    I know everything is gonna work out for you! Remember, you gotta believe!

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  2. Crash! I don't have a place to live either yet >< I'm going to email you later and we can worry together ;) Love you!

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