Tuesday, May 18, 2010

detached.

Over the course of nineteen pages, I traveled through eleven years of my life. Revisiting the past is not as nostalgic as it sounds though. As I wrote, I realized how incredibly painful the events of my life have been. I suppose I never really saw it that way before because I never connected it all together, or maybe because I've seen the even-bigger picture and realized that nothing is ever really too big to overcome. (Did that make sense? It's almost midnight and I'm prematurely exhausted, forgive me.) And yet, I don't want people to walk away from my essay feeling pity for me. Emotions are a tricky thing, and for someone who has been careful to keep her emotions at bay all her life, tapping into them for this essay have been hard. What am I even trying to convey? Sadness? Anger? Frustration? Confusion? Depression? (Depression's not a feeling, I know - it's a state.)

And finally, this is appalling:



But what also strikes me is how unaffected Owen seemed in the video. Maybe he cries at night, who knows. I don't remember crying either though, and if I did it was because of something trivial. Now that I think about it, most videos and interviews I've seen/heard involving children in this case share the same reaction, but it's the parents who worry instead.

It makes me wonder: What would I do if my child was born with alopecia?

Sunday, May 9, 2010

"crazy rush."

Crushes are stupid - to a nine-year-old, maybe not; but to anyone past the age of fifteen, I beg to differ. "Having a crush on someone" is like wanting that really cool, but expensive, toy at Target. You can desire it all you want, but there's a 90% chance you won't get it. And, in any case, you'll forget all about this "love of your life (at the moment)" in a year or two.

Or maybe I'm just incredibly cynical and bitter. Yes, I think that's it. I was watching rom-com snippets while channel surfing last night; those always affect my perception of relationships and "love."

One of the best and worst things a young adult can do is go back and read old diaries and journals. When I'm at home, I tend to rifle through the pages of my childhood which I so diligently recorded in spiral notebooks, floral hardcover journals and pink and pretty diaries. What impresses me the most about my immature scribbling is the fact that I managed to "have a crush" on the same boy for nearly three years. And yet when I think back on it right now, I can barely remember what appealed to me about this boy. Clearly, the only reason I liked him was because he was "popular" and sat next to me in class. And he used a lot of hair gel. I apparently had a thing for guys who glopped on ridiculous amounts of gel to their hair. Ah, the trends of the late '90s and early '00s - thanks, boy bands.

I've since learned that "having a crush" is fairly counterproductive. Pining for someone without acting on it is unnecessarily time-consuming. If you want the thrill of unrequited love, listen to some Taylor Swift instead. If you like someone, act on it without fear of rejection (which is clearly easier said than done because, yes, I am the world's biggest wuss when it comes to this lesson). It's better to jump then fall (excuse the Tay Tay reference) than sit around Facebook-stalking.

This mini bitchfest is really just here to A) show what a Debbie Downer I am, B) help me recapture some of my "voice" for my personal essay and C) assist me with my procrastination.

Here's a video to assist you with your procrastination:



PS22 and Celtic Woman cover Jay-Z and Alicia Keys' "Empire State of Mind." This is one of the songs that has been stuck in my head all day, thanks to last night's SNL. I don't even really like Jay-Z, but I love PS22.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

cri du cœur.

There are a lot of online dating websites out there. Not that I'm looking. I've just so happened to come across them in my journalistic queries. I question, though, how effective they really are. Do people actually find true love via the Internet? I've seen enough Tyra Show episodes to know it's possible, but I'm still highly skeptical. Maybe it's an unnecessary skepticism though - is meeting online any different than meeting at a bar or meeting in class? You're still engaging in the same brief encounter, gaining only a rough sketch of the other person. The only difference is the face-to-face interaction, which I think makes any encounter more meaningful.

I've written about the topic several times before in articles and in blogs, but I'll reiterate my hypocrisy: We are too attached to the Internet, relying too much on a back-lit monitor to hide our faces from one another. We prefer text messages and IMs to phone conversations and coffee dates. We learn about one another through Facebook or Twitter instead of small talk and intimate discussions. We've forgotten how to interact with one another in person without appearing as socially awkward beings who anxiously await the moment we can return to our laptops to Google or Facebook one another.

Those are gross over-generalizations, but the bare truth of it is almost inescapable. I'm guilty of it as well. "Without a Facebook, how else are people supposed to keep in touch?" The question disturbs me, yet it's true. I think we've become all too lazy to put in the effort to call someone up and meet them for lunch to catch up. We've also become busier creatures with little time to socialize with old acquaintances, particularly if we fear we'll have nothing to say during the hour-long (and potentially) awkward lunch.

But shouldn't we want the relationships that don't require Facebook to ensure communication? The Facebook-only friendships seem artificial. Though you'd have to take into account the long-distance factor...Maybe I'm just old-fashioned, but I do miss the days of lengthy emails - or even (gasp) handwritten letters.

This is all probably just a part of my longing for a simpler time, which probably wouldn't even suit me much if it came true. I am my own object of loathing - a young adult of the 21st century, attached to the Internet in every way, shape or form. I'm even blogging this now as opposed to handwriting it in a journal. C'est la vie.