Wednesday, April 8, 2009


"Tension is wonderful for making people laugh." -John Cleese

I think I encounter at least 10 awkward moments a day. I think that's due in part to the fact that I myself am an awkward person. I have no trouble admitting it. Someone once told me that the thing they loved about me was how comfortable I was with everyone. I still wonder what gave them that idea.

I've said it before, and I'll say it time and again: People frustrate me. Sometimes I wonder if I've unconsciously said or done something to provoke certain comments, because although I don't care for the person behind the words, the words are frustrating in themselves. And though I would normally laugh it off, being the observer I have learned to become, I think I am bothered because it makes me question my own actions more than I should.

When it comes to observing, I think the role which I described previously is more obvious than I'd like it to be. I believe I have successfully adopted the role of an outsider in situations where I would like the case to be otherwise. Though I am being used for my (inadequate, in my opinion) skills as a writer, it makes me wonder: Do journalists have friends?

I read an editorial which asked this same question. Befriending a journalist keeps people on their guard because a journalist never stops being a journalist. "Anything you say can and will be used against you." People are hesitant to share in case they end up quoted in writing. But why does that need to stop people from just wanting to be friends?

Yes, I am a journalist. No, I'm not looking to write a story about you. Or exploit you. Or sell your name to someone else. Maybe you're not that interesting, dude.

Saturday, April 4, 2009


"Who knows who you are...A person is a novel: you don't know how it will end until the very last page. Otherwise, it wouldn't be worth reading to the very end..." -We, Yevgeny Zamyatin

Why do we spend so much time searching for happiness rather than just being happy? What does it mean to just be happy? I think in order to answer that we do need to "search." But there's something in the search that often leads people astray. Under the Boddhi tree, Siddhartha Gautama realized what we know today as the Four Noble Truths - the first being that life is dukkha. I think the realization of that aids in our "search." It's so simple of a concept, yet so easily forgettable.

On passion:
RagdollRumors: perhaps that is what i am searching for
RagdollRumors: passion.
wickedaznidol: hm, yes...passion is a tricky thing...i don't know what to say about passion. to be honest, i feel i lack it 98% of the time too. i wish i knew how to find it but i think that's part of the frustration.
RagdollRumors: but arent you passionate about or constantly excited about journalism
RagdollRumors: isn't that where you find some sense of meaning
wickedaznidol: that's what i struggle with. part of me feels like i am only studying LJ because i am really not good at anything else. honestly, that's why i chose it. even then, i struggle. i think what i am passionate about is people, as frustrating as they can be. it's why i study stories and philosophy
wickedaznidol: but being passionate about people is so broad, that i can't really pinpoint what it is that inspires me.
wickedaznidol: my problem is that i want to live to inspire. i don't want to settle. unfortunately, i don't know how to do that. and that's where i lack the passion.
wickedaznidol: "Passion and purpose go hand in hand. When you discover your purpose, you will normally find it’s something you’re tremendously passionate about."
RagdollRumors: perhaps the majority of us are in search of this passion and just settle for some sense of stability that doesnt make us insane trying to find
RagdollRumors: but what if we have no real purpose
RagdollRumors: what if we are the ones that define our own purpose
RagdollRumors: and therefore must define our own passions
RagdollRumors: and just cant help escape that constant insecurity and instability because we cant define what we dont know
wickedaznidol: i don't think life is predestined for us. i think we do need to find our own purpose in life, which is why most of us never find our passion.
wickedaznidol: most people settle because it's easier to do so
RagdollRumors: but what happens when there is nothing to settle into
wickedaznidol: then you keep wandering.

On emotions:
wickedaznidol: i think emotions are a difficult thing because they aren't something you can share the burden of; it's something you feel all on your own and it's hard to take it all in
RagdollRumors: i definitely agree with that
RagdollRumors: it is something that even if you wanted to share with someone, you never truly could just because it is soemthing so personal and complex that you can hardly even put it into your own words for yourself to understand... let alone someone else
RagdollRumors: perhaps that is the point of our continuous emotional rollercoaster.. the fact that we have to go on that ride all by ourselves... no matter how scared we are... there is only a ticket for one... and there is nothing we can do about it
RagdollRumors: our emotions make us who we are... the way we deal or dont deal is just our rollercoaster taking us through dips and turns
RagdollRumors: when we arent ready... and we cant figure out how to put on our seat belts and buckle up... and until we can figure that out.. we have to do all that we can just to stay in the cart and not plummet down into the ground

Some people don't believe that deep conversations can happen over AIM. I won't lie, I used to think that too. But I hadn't been talking to the right people. I don't believe it matters the means of communication you use; deep conversations can happen at any time. I am a fan of the written word so it doesn't surprise me to find the deep wisdom in words of others, or even in my own words. It makes me wish more people would engage in these kinds of conversations, but I suppose if everybody did it would make the conversations I do have with certain people less incredible. Or maybe not. I can't play that guessing game when it comes to this because everybody presents a different view.

So then...what is happiness? What is passion? What is truth? What are emotions?

But then again, like Cheever once told me, it's not our job to understand life; it's our dharma to live it.