Wherever You’re Going

Monday, July 2, 2018 / 12:49 AM

I’ve long abandoned this Tumblr, but back in college, along with using it to procrastinate, I documented life: funny moments, sage advice, meaningful memories. Scrolling through it — from 2008 to 2012 — feels like a diary from a completely different life.

In the month that followed after Alan passed, I spent a lot of time looking through these digital archives — hoping for anything that could make me feel closer still to him. It’s moments like this that make me miss him more than I let myself think about most days. Selfishly, there’s so much I want to tell him and to talk about, and knowing that that person who was there, unconditionally, is gone forever sucks. And feeling like I’m never going to have anyone like that again also sucks. Admitting that has been one of the hardest things. I don’t talk a lot about it but that feeling of being lost is kind of always there with me.

And it probably always will be, to be honest. That’s a part of grief that I’m learning about as I move further and further away from the realities of people who were once very present — friends, family members, mentors: it’s OK to never fill the part of your heart that feels empty without them. It doesn’t make you any less of a person without them because you’re a better and more complete person because of them. Just because they’re not physically here doesn’t take that away from you.

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