Saturday, May 30, 2015

two-way streets.

I've always hoped to be the kind of person who lived with her whole heart. But I think the natural part of ourselves that keeps even the smallest area of our hearts guarded is hard to overcome, no matter how whole we may sometimes feel. 

Lately, living with my whole heart lately seems to also mean living with a lot of rejection. It means reaching out into the darkness and hoping the person you're reaching out for still wants to make the effort to meet you halfway. And while there are some people who will take the time to follow up, there are often others who wait for you to reach out all the time. For me, it's the latter that I find myself hung up on too often. 

I've been known by some of my friends to be the person who often gives too many second chances, much to my friends' dismay and their cautious advice. I have a hard time closing doors on people because I would want second chances too with the people I've hurt. It can be scary to step forward and try to fix whatever mess has been made. It's especially scary when you find yourself sinking deeper into that mess while watching the other person walk away--or, worse, stand at the edge of the hole and watch you call up to them.

Is it worth leaving my dignity all over Manhattan? I've been breaking off little pieces off my spirit and scattering them on barstools and stoops and subway cars, and I'd been starting to think I just made too many mistakes. But at tea yesterday, an older and much wiser friend said to me: "It's not about losing your dignity. As long as you acted according to your values, then you have nothing to be embarrassed about."

She's right: if someone wants to talk, he or she will make the time for it. There's nothing you can do to change that person's will. When someone's done something hurtful, and you want to talk about it to try to sort things out, it should be one of those situations where you're meeting halfway, right? Though, I suppose if the other person doesn't see his or her actions as hurtful, maybe the friendship just wasn't really worth what you thought it was in the first place. Maybe it was always a connection out of convenience. Friendships, relationships, partnerships, whatever--there's a reason the saying goes: "It's a two-way street."

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