Wednesday, July 3, 2013

an apology (to myself).

Dear Self,

I know it's odd to write to you in such a public way, but perhaps this way will force you to remember what I'm about to say. I think you need to remember, because you often forget, and that's my fault for talking you into believing anything but the truth.

I wanted to apologize to you for dragging you down the road of self-deprecation and hurt that I told you I'd avoid in the future. It was too easy to bend to the pleas of others, of the people who said they "needed you," and to the people who told you how important you were to them--the opposite of reality, and you knew it, but you thought maybe things were different this time. I did too, so I pushed you.

I pushed you to help those boys find jobs and homes and lives they said they so desired. I pushed you to pick up the phone and make those job calls and send those emails and force people to look at resumes they had no real interest in at first. And I forced you to bite your tongue when the fights came and the ties unraveled, because as much as I wanted you to throw it in their faces, I think we both knew better.

I'm sorry I made you stand beside the boy who treated you like a nuisance, who had the nerve to email months later and pretend as if he will always be grateful to you for helping him achieve his dreams. I'm not sorry for the sake of the situation you sat in that church that rainy Saturday, but I'm sorry for what happened after you went home and tried to forgive, because I wanted to believe we didn't waste two years of our life standing, loving, driving across state borders because of...what I told you was love.

I'm sorry I asked you to do the same for a second boy too, who acted so much like we were better friends than we turned out to be. I talked you into thinking he was not the same as the last, and so he wouldn't turn his back on you when you needed a friend. I'm sorry I forced you to keep trying, even after he never showed up when he promised all those times.

I'm also sorry for the friendship I told you to let fall apart because I didn't want you to get hurt by your "best friend," the way we'd just been drop kicked by those others. I should have been encouraging you to step back and really look at your life choices, at what you were doing and who you said you wanted to be. Instead, I convinced you it was your fault for not trying hard enough to be the friend they all deserved, all the while ignoring the friends in your life who made the effort to stand by you. I told you it was okay to take them for granted. I'm sorry. Please don't do that anymore.

Cheers for the future, and for doing what's best for you,
Traci

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