But even with all the texting and IMing and emails and tweets, it's possible to feel so far away from someone. There's someone I thought/think I was/am close to, but only when I really think about it do I realize that friendship--one I viewed as so important, someone I call my best friend--is probably in my head. In the year we spent apart, we rarely spoke, and almost never on the phone. Cursory texts and lolsy messages via social networking were the norm. Meanwhile, life was happening and the sharing felt like it had slowed. His belief was that even if we didn't talk, we would still be friends because he believes that friendships will come full circle. Though now that we are back in the same city, and I see the care and consideration he takes to keep up with friends he is now separated from--the texts, birthday presents across the country, etc.--I have to wonder if perhaps I really do exist, temporarily, to fill a void. Perhaps it is possible to measure friendship, and mine doesn't quite hold up.
How many times can one ask to talk before it becomes redundant? How many times can we turn to the friend we feel we're losing or the person toying with our emotions or the family member we know is going through life changes, and beg for a conversation? I'm not sure.
But I'm stubborn. I don't like giving up on people. So then when someone says there were times they thought I wouldn't be around, I have to wonder if I should've listened to my gut instincts and walked away instead of allowed myself to unconsciously be used.
I know I've been on the other end of this all too. I can be terrible at quick responses and thoughtful communication when I'm wrapped up in work or some dumb personal torment. (Note to self: get over yourself. Seriously.)
I suppose this reflection serves to remind myself to not be afraid to invest in people, despite the experience of investing in someone and having them resent you. But like Katie once wrote to me: "The heart is a resilient thing, and I've found that even when I make mistakes or drag things out, I will eventually get over it, though it may take a ton of patience and time. I'm sure your heart is just as resilient! Reminds me of a salamander's tail, haha."