Thursday, May 26, 2011

an open farewell.

One year ago, I was really sad. I was saying goodbye to a staff I barely knew, a staff I had no say in choosing and that I didn't even want to be a part of in the first place. Being forced into managing the paper a quarter early was terrible. I hated it and was scared the whole time. I had no idea what I was doing, so I made it all up and pretended like I knew. Maybe that's why people say they admire me or are impressed, because I didn't quit or explode; in my opinion, there's no reason to be impressed. This job is 90% making-it-up-as-you-go. No one can teach you everything you "need" to know.

The New U 2009-10 team at last year's banquet.
I was sad last year because that team was the reason my perspective on UCI changed. I went from a strong dislike to a passion and admiration for the university and the newspaper because of some of those wonderful guys and gals. Losing them was heartbreaking.

I'm not as sad about the banquet this year, though I know I'll probably be sad when it's all over. I think I'm burnt out. This year has been a long one and I'm ready to hang up my journalism fedora for now.

But I've been really lucky this year to have an entire editorial team that I love and respect, no matter what they might think about me. Someone said something to me recently that has made me doubt I've been anything but a failure this year as Managing Editor and it's been on my mind ever since, so maybe that's why I'm not as sad as I "should" be. If my team is doubting me, finding me to be arrogant and disrespectful, then I've failed, and it's time to make my exit.

I've been feeling especially guilty lately because I look back on the fall and realize that I talked about the paper constantly with someone who didn't really need/want to hear it, but I had nobody else to talk to or to freak out with at the time. That contributed to a big part of the breakdown of our friendship, and I feel awful about it. In some ways, if I could go back and change anything, it would be the way I ruined things...but c'est la vie. It's time to move on.

I'm ready to bid adieu to the year and all of the highs and lows, both internally and externally, that came with it. I have loved this job, even at it's most difficult times, and I'm happy to have met so many wonderful people. They've made all of this worth it, even when I feel like I still don't know what I'm doing--especially then. I'm really lucky to have been a part of something great here at UCI, despite what some angry readers/non-readers have to say.

This year has been the cherry on top of an overall excellent four years and I will dearly miss this dysfunctional family I've come to know and love. I'm sorry I wasn't the best leader, but I am so proud of all of you and the excellent work you've produced. "Believe in yourselves. Dream. Try. Do good."

1 comment:

  1. you are a goddamn beast, i'll yell it from the mafuckin rooftops
    -maxine

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