I'm doing this "30-day letter challenge" on Tumblr, where I'm supposed to write a letter everyday for 30 days to whomever the day calls for. Day one = your best friend; day two = your crush; and so on, and so forth. Normally on these daily Tumblr challenges, I never actually follow the rules. I post when I please, or when I'm inspired to; eventually, I get to the end, though maybe not in the amount of time the challenge creators' would have wanted.
Anyways, I'm on Day 20: "The one that broke your heart the hardest." And I'm thinking to myself, "Have I ever had my heart broken?" The answer is yes, though I don't know if I've ever been in love. No, I've never been in love. Isn't that odd? For someone who's 22, you'd think I would have. But besides the point: is it possible to have your heart broken when you've never been in love? Oh, of course. Of course. I am hesitant to say that there is one person who's broken my heart "the hardest," but I think my heart has been shattered at different stages of my life. Haven't we all been through that?
What exactly are the symptoms of a broken heart? How do you diagnose that? Is it uncontrollable crying? Depression? Constantly thinking about what you did wrong or what you didn't say? Is it listening to certain songs on repeat? Bothering your friends with the "Why am I not good enough?" questions and retracing your steps, figuring out where you went wrong?
Maybe. So I'm thinking about this. I would say my heart is pretty broken right now. And I'm thinking about why, and I have no legitimate reason. You know when you're "young and impressionable" and all you can think about is that boy you're infatuated with? You think it's love, but it's not, but you think it is because he's all you can think about. And it's partially because you have too much time on your hands and you're trying not to focus on homework or your parents yelling at you. So you think about this boy, the one who drives that really cool car, or wears that really cool jacket.
Okay, this is probably a symptom of my having just finished My So-Called Life, but that's how I think about it. Anyways, so when that boy doesn't even look your way, or starts dating another girl, you proclaim to be "heartbroken." I guess that's where I'm at right now: I'm a 15-year-old redhead in the '90s, obsessing over Jared Leto.
Back to my original point: I think my heart is broken because I never gave it time to heal. Truthfully, I don't want it to heal because it reminds me to always feel every emotion I can instead of build up walls and shut down. I like having it kicked around a bit--but only a bit. Right now, it's kind of a lot. I've always said that there's no feeling too horrible in this world that can't be overcome, and I stand by it. This is just a phase, albeit a long one, and I'm sure I'll get over what's causing this. But I don't know if I want to. Maybe I like hitting myself on the head with that hammer.
Now I don't think I have a point to this post, but isn't that what all of my writing has been lately? I think I'm lost and hurt and blah, blah, blah. #firstworldproblems
So okay...there's my answer. I don't have a letter to write (I'm out of those, and they don't do me any good anyways) so this will do.