"If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I'm neurotic as hell. I'll be flying back and forth between one mutually exclusive thing and another for the rest of my days." -The Bell Jar
I re-read The Bell Jar instead of sleeping last night. I spent my morning wishing for rain. I walked to work with Jagged Little Pill blasting in my eardrums. You know what the funny thing about all this is? It's such an old habit, and it's so utterly ridiculous.
Tonight, I reconnected with somebody I hadn't spoken to in over a year. In the span of two hours, I realized exactly why Millie feels like I am one of the most emotionally disconnected people she knows. In my head, things make sense. Outside, it doesn't - that's the problem. But you know what? There are a lot of people who feel this way. We're all just trying to find a way, stumbling around in this weird world. I've gotten much more used to doing it alone than I probably should have, which is another major cause of my emotional disconnect.
So, that having been said...Life is too short to wallow. In five years, the shit you think mattered now may not matter at all. Don't feel sorry that you can't be who you wish you could be; focus on the person you actually are.
Blah blah blah. Change your life. You know, the usual.
Here is a fact: I don't know how to express myself. It's something I've come to terms with in the last few months. I thought I was expressive through my words, but that was just me hoping I'd found a career/life for myself. "I want to be the story," I recently wrote to someone. "I don't want to only tell the story." And I think it's because I don't know how to tell the story. I'm a low-drama person and I don't like to shove my feelings in other people's faces, no matter how big or little I feel.
I guess the short of it is this: I don't know who I am. I am not a writer. I am not an artist. I am not a musician or a dancer or an actor or a comedian. And it's actually a really good feeling. Six months ago that would've sent me into a panic. But now, there are no more roles to play. Now I can just be me and start working on being my own story and not the role others want me to play for them.
I want to tie this entry up with a nice, neat bow.
Yeah, that's it.