Tuesday, August 17, 2010

nothing to see here.

"We can let the circumstances of our lives harden us so that we become increasingly resentful and afraid, or we can let them soften us and make us kinder and more open to what scares us. We always have this choice." -The Places That Scare You

"Words can change the world." It's a phrase that any writer has most likely found him/herself saying, thinking or writing. If somebody were to ask me why I wanted to be a writer, this might be one of my answers. I honestly do believe that the written word can have a profound effect on others, as evidenced by the letters and journal entries I keep to look back on. Whether it's for the purpose of self-reflection or for sentimentality, I hold onto these words because, without them, I feel incomplete. I have an obsession with knowing who I am and where I come from and, in my mind, I'll find my answer there.

The truth, though, is that I can't. Self-reflection is what I really need and, lately, I've been getting several pushes in the right direction. In the past couple of months, I've learned how to accept when I've fucked up, but I'm still working on how to confront it and deal with the answers that I may not want to hear.

To reconnect to my point of words being an inciting factor: I'm currently going through and re-reading Letters to a Young Poet, and it's created this chasm in my life between what I very recently thought I'd discovered about myself versus reality. To go from hating everything to loving everything to now not knowing what I'm honestly feeling is an incredibly frustrating thing. And to be confronted with having to honestly think about almost every shitty thing I've ever done does nothing to sort out the frustration. But this kind of blunt realization helps a person grow and it's part of that perpetual learning process called "living."

But I digress - Back to Letters: "We must embrace struggle. Every living thing conforms to it. Everything in nature grows and struggles in its own way, establishing its own identity, insisting on it at all cost, against all resistance." This is one of those "life lessons" that is obvious when you hear it, yet few people actually truly accept it and can, in moments of struggle and pain, recognize it when it happens. As someone who has tried to avoid struggles, I can certainly admit that it has done me no favors. Instead, I'm plagued with the knowledge that those who have attempted to find closure have failed because I'm too much of a coward to engage in those conversations. And whether engaging in them now is too late and selfish on my part is something I'm trying to discern.

And, to be honest, I have no idea where I'm going with this post. I have no conclusion, other than I may end up replacing this word vomit with something more profound in the future. Until then, this will do.

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