Thursday, August 12, 2010

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I was fairly preoccupied in my thoughts about yesterday on my walk home in the evening. In fact, I feel as if I spend most of my free time being absorbed in my thoughts. I make "to do" lists in my head and review conversations and interactions from the day. It's like running on a treadmill 24/7. In short, it's exhausting.

I'm a pretty private person. When tragedy strikes, I don't like to talk about it. When something makes me sad, I keep it to myself. If I'm angry or upset, I can only give you the basic facts of the situation; I don't like to go into detail. This isn't a result of anything aside from the fact that I can be a quiet person. I don't like a spotlight, especially if it's sympathy. Maybe I just don't trust a lot of people to be kind with my feelings. It's partially why I'm more defensive than I should be. Walls don't come down very easily.

But all "tortured artist" thoughts aside, I guess the same goes for good news too. It's hard to find someone to share certain things with because sometimes the context of the situation takes more time to explain than it takes time to just tell the nuts and bolts of the story. And, most often, the people who would understand either aren't around to hear it and I'm not one to babble incessantly to someone who doesn't want/need to listen. So then it becomes easier to keep it to myself, and thus the cycle of introversion continues.

And then I realized how deep of a hole I've truly dug myself into. I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing: to be so absorbed in my work and in my thoughts. It's been both a positive and negative for me in the past. I've had accusations in the past that I've allowed my work to distract me from personal relationships and problems, but I've also had people praise me for my work ethic and responsibility - a win-lose situation, I suppose.

"Would you rather be alone, but successful, or happy?" someone asked me once, and I still think it's a ridiculous question. Why are the two mutually exclusive? Does success force you to be alone? And does a person's state of happiness rely on other people's actions and presence? There's a happy medium somewhere, and it's about time I try to find it.

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