Monday, March 22, 2010

[rant]

It's not fair, right? The douchebags in your life should not be successful. They shouldn't get to be happy. Especially not if they're immature, selfish, oblivious and incapable of any sort of compassion towards another human being if it doesn't benefit them.

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[/ rant]

Okay, really, time to get over it. That kind of ranting just makes me the immature and selfish one, doesn't it? I think back to last summer and try to remember what it was like, but it's almost as if it barely happened. I think when we want too much to be happy, we immediately shoot ourselves in the foot. Like Cheever used to always say to us: Wishing for happiness automatically insures that you are creating your own unhappiness. Which is true, because saying, "I want to be happy" means you've set a standard and until you reach whatever abstract goal of happiness you have in your mind, you will be unhappy.

I think back to three months ago and how terrible things were - for me, at least. I'm convinced that the heartless feel nothing in moments of what should be pain and suffering. (Okay, that was immature. But it's an emotion, so whatever.) I wonder why I hurt so much. It almost seems silly now when I look back on it. What did it matter to feel hurt? It didn't change anything. I think my problem is that I feel emotions too strongly - when someone hurts me, it strikes harder than it should. I wish it didn't; it's not a productive use of my time or energy at all. But there's really no way to make that stop. I've been like that for as long as I can remember: Feel everything you can, but as long as nobody can see it on your face, then you're fine.

Do I feel like the six months and all of the experiences with it were a waste? In a way, yes. I know we all learn from everything and everyone contributes to a part of who we are, but I can't help it.

1 comment:

  1. sooner or later, karma will catch up to that person.

    the experiences that you've had haven't gone to waste. they are proof that you are a successful young woman. you will continue to face hurdles and things you don't want to experience in your lifetime. but the important thing is to learn how to calmly overcome the temptation to give up.

    you will feel a multitude of emotions throughout your lifetime. the hurt that you've felt will soon be gone. i am confident that these experiences have shaped you & motivated you to look forward and away from negativity.

    sometimes being happy doesn't come from someone else. it's learning to be happy with your accomplishments, and the type of person you are.

    -monica

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